Being Human & Bibliotherapy, Spring 2023
Happy Spring Dear One,
I return to work today, on the Spring Equinox, which feels fitting after having a baby in January and spending winter in hibernation like a bear with her cub. Spring marks my emergence as a different version of myself. I’m a mother now. My body has softened, my heart has learned a new language, and I’ve rediscovered my primal nature.
On January 5th, baby Runa was born after a torrential rainstorm. I had been in labor for four excruciating days, and it was finally time to meet her. Six women surrounded me like a pack of wolves howling my name, while branches swept past rain drenched windows and thunder shot through the room. In my sweaty delirium I mustered the last reserves of strength and asked Runa to join along. Together, we worked our way toward her triumphant arrival.
The rain suddenly stopped and I pushed this little human, this sweet mammal from womb into world.
Since Runa’s birth, I’ve been steeped in a deep unlearning, stripped down to my most naked self.
Having a baby is this bloody, milk-soaked gobsmacked transformation that is both completely natural and totally otherworldly. No book or movie or conversation could prepare me for it. None of my intellectual knowing could either. It thrust me back into my body and the only way to accept this forceful turn was to follow my instincts.
It’s not just the birth itself that did its number on me. It was learning to care for my little babe while being in such a raw state.
Runa was born unready for this world, still most at ease inside me, blood rushing around her in perfect darkness – a deep sea creature at home in her habitat. When it was time for her to exit, she essentially remained fetal. She was this wild animal, suddenly exposed to the elements. What this meant was that I had to become animal too.
Oh did I fight this at first. There was a night early on when Runa was crying incessantly, the kind of cry that breaks you. I desperately searched for reasons she was in agony – tabs open on my laptop, texts flying to other moms, but she kept on wailing.
Defeated and so goddamn tired, I reached a point where I quietly wept and held her. I stopped trying. I stopped thinking. And my body listened. She fell asleep in my arms.
Animals don’t overthink things. Animals aren’t perfectionists. Animals aren’t neurotic about how orderly their sock drawers are. Animals just exist and do what they’re here to do. The beaver builds the dam. The bee produces honey. The bird makes its nest. The newborn eats and cries and poops and sleeps, all to grow grow grow.
I had to submit to Runa’s innate will to hear her. She had her own mysterious internal clock, one that was dictated by her body not her mind. I had to do away with my thinking self and be in my body as well.
“Not all that we know is verbal. Much of it -sometimes I think the vast majority- is somatic, the concern of the body.”
– Katherine May
Enchantment: Awakening Wonder in an Anxious Age
What I discovered there was a much more grounded, connected way of being. When I did away with the perpetual thinking and endless executive functioning that ruled my mind, I naturally tuned into an intuition that lived in my bones. My body had an understanding about what it took to love her, to keep her alive and thriving. When I was listening, I found answers already written in my DNA.
I’ve had several moments when I’ve forgotten this. I’ve reached for my phone to google, “How many diapers per day is normal?” or “Should baby poop be yellow or green?” Every time I’ve done this, I haven’t really found a solid answer. In fact, it usually caused me to feel anxious because I was not listening to my animal instincts. I was back in my big fat head trying to figure out something that simply wasn’t figure-out-able.
If I just held her in my arms, I would gradually sense the next right thing to do.
We are all animals first. If we stop our mental chatter, if we slow down and find silence and listen, we all have the ability to tune into our true nature.
What lies beneath all this human noise? What does your body already know?
When we get quiet, our innate wisdom reveals itself. It’s different for each person, each changing circumstance. But, there are some universal truths too. The fundamental stuff that makes its way to the surface is that we’re here to create, to grow, to evolve. We’re here to develop human life, make art, cultivate connection, and build ideas into something substantial.
This is the way we feel both at home in our bodies and playfully alive in our minds, by making whatever lively thing we’re here to make. We are animals. And just like all the other animals on this planet, we too are creative beings.
But we can’t let our minds dominate the process. That’s when we become disconnected. That’s when we get lost. When we try to find answers outside ourselves for anything from how to best care for our children to how to complete a meaningful project. These endeavors aren’t actually separate. They all come from the same embodied inner knowing if we settle into ourselves and listen. We are multifaceted creatures. We create from all sides of ourselves. And when we are in our bodies, when we tap into our instincts, we find the way.
What does your body hold true for you? What is stopping you from listening and taking action?
Reconnect to your primal self. Become animal and listen.
“The world pulses with productive energy, and everything that exists on this planet is driven by that energy.”
– Rick Rubin
The Creative Act: A Way of Being
Journal Prompts
IN WHAT WAYS DO YOU EITHER WELCOME OR RESIST YOUR ANIMAL NATURE?
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO MAKE ART FOR YOU? CONSIDER ALL THE ACTS OF CREATION YOU’RE INVOLVED IN.
WHEN YOU GET QUIET, WHAT DOES YOUR BODY KNOW? WHAT IS THE FIRST STEP YOU CAN TAKE TO HONOR THIS INNER WISDOM?
Book Recommendations
Keeping this list short and sweet this round. Here are the two books that inspired me most these last few months:
The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin – This book isn’t about Rubin’s life as a music producer. It’s not about his catalogue of work ranging from Neil Young to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. This is a book about tapping into your creativity and it’s written for everyone. Each page contains a simple passage, much like Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations or the I Ching. Rubin’s book might not be as timeless as those ancient texts, but his clear and uncomplicated wisdom has a similar effect. You can pick this one up at any time to remind yourself about what it takes to be inspired, make art, to stay disciplined. I highly recommend this one to reignite your creative flames.
Enchanted: Awakening Wonder in an Anxious Age by Katherine May – May started this series of essays during the pandemic. She felt disjointed and dull during such a fearful time: “It is the forgotten seam in our geology, the elusive particle that binds our unstable matter: the ability to sense magic in the everyday, to channel it through our minds and bodies, to be sustained by it. Without it, I feel I am lacking some essential nutrient, some vitamin found only when you go digging in your own soil.” In each essay, she explores ways to become enchanted by even the smallest of things. May is an earthy beautiful writer. She makes her way from this elusive foggy state toward an awakened, awestruck one. From swimming in the ocean, to hugging her son, to smelling the damp woods, she captures those tiny moments that fill our bodies with wonder. Read this to find wonder in your body too.
Until next time,
Lela
